1/10/2011

Long Time Gone (Hopefully)

Yesterday I was thinking that it had been a while since my last post. The reason for that is because my anxiety (attacks) have passed (knock on wood)!

My anxiety has been under control since the beginning of November - or maybe the end of October. When I thought I was pregnant, I stopped taking the Klonopin, which I've previously mentioned, was next to nothing. Regardless, I weaned myself off of it. As far as trying to get pregnant, if it happens, it happens. My husband and I have been trying since I was 33 and nothing has happened, except the one time that I know about, but it didn't take. In our defense, we hadn't really tried for about a year. If it's in the plan, it's in the plan.

Explaining why my panic attacks stopped - for those who are wondering and want the same thing to happen to them - is next to impossible. I have no idea. It's also impossible to live in such a frightful world for a year and a half and have NO ONE around you understand what you are going through. The lightheadedness, the dizziness, the rapid heart beat, the high blood pressure, heart palpitations, the past due bills, the constant state of fear, avoiding restaurants, never leaving the house, failed jobs, failed friendships. Crying, begging my husband to call 9-1-1 (and fraking out even more when he won't, or doesn't think he needs to). Complete and total fear. It makes me want to cry thinking back last year how I was. Paralyzed. Freaking out at work, crying in the stairwell. And then one day (or one week), it just stops.

I don't mean to give false hope and I also don't mean to scare anyone. I mean, if the anxiety can leave as fast as it had arrived, and vice versa - you're kind of looking at some hope. The great thing is, my anxiety might be back one day, but I'm not afraid. Well - I'm not lingering over it. I'm not "what-iffing". I think I'll be okay. And you will be, too.

And for the record, I didn't need any of that SSRI shit. I found a job that I love (that works for me), I'm semi-stress free and I have family that understands. Get rid of the stress.

For now, I'm kicking anxiety's ass.