Just Drive On By

So I landed this job out of 500+ applications. I should feel special. And I did. Did being the key word. I had a lot of anxiety during orientation, but I somehow got through it - barely. But when our schedule called for us to train two days 45 minutes away AND CARPOOL..... AND an extra dinner 45 minutes away with the team and family, I caved.

*Sidenote: When telling my trainer about my "carsicknesses", he tells me it's "weird" and doesn't understand. I don't explain to my boss, trainer and fellow employees of my panic because they won't understand. No one ever understands. So this sets the tone for what was to come, definitely.

I was to be at work this morning at 4:45am, which I love (early mornings). I slept horribly, waking up with paplitations, insomnia and terror about driving to our store training. I did try to talk to my boss, telling him I got carsick and I needed to drive (and I have a two-seater truck) - so I thought that I would get out of carpooling and be able to drive alone. But they wanted to stick someone with me.

I can barely get out of the house, let alone carpool someone 45 minutes while dealing with my anxiety. Plus, I didn't want to be responsible for leaving training and abandoning some poor person because of my anxiety. I got up this morning, got ready and drove past work at 4:40am and kept on driving.

This is a known trait of mine. I have done this dozens of times. I couldn't go. I passed up a great 40 hour workweek in a small, shitty town - and blew it. Again.

I drove to a rest stop out of town and slept there for two hours so I wouldn't have to answer to my husband and family (in case they saw my truck at home). Who does this? I do!

I'm 34 years old and when I told my mom, she told me I was crippling everyone around me, including my husband. So now I'm mad at my mom. I seriously just want to run away - at 34 years of age. Reminds me of when I was 14.


Tiffany said...

I can understand what you're going through. I was the same way with school for a long time. In order to avoid going to school, I would literally spend the entire day walking around random neighborhoods in order to avoid going to class. I couldn't go home because I didn't want my parents to know that I wasn't going. It was horrible, but far better than being in school surrounded by people. Don't be too hard on yourself. People who don't experience anxiety have no idea what its like, so the things they say can be hurtful at times.

Miss Wendy said...

I'm so sorry to hear the things your mom said to you...I understand people in our lives trying to help, trying to make sense out of anxiety which is so nonsensical it's sickening, but they don't understand. They can't understand unless they've been through it. Working becomes a whole new monster once you have anxiety, and I don't blame you one bit for not being able to go. It happens. Anxiety is all too consuming and it kicks anything rational right out of the way. Hang in there, I'm pulling for you.

nervousbird said...

Thanks for the support all!!!
xoxox :)