9/01/2010

Highs and Lows

Common symptoms of low blood sugar (and any illness) are so general:

  • trembling
  • clammy skin
  • palpitations, pounding or fast heart beat
  • anxiety
  • sweating
  • hunger
  • irritability
Looks a lot like anxiety symptoms, right?

So when my blood sugar got down to 48 today, I thought I was going to die. It took me by surprise because I had just eaten and had about three cookies and milk an hour or two earlier.

I had severe anxiety before I knew I was low. Often when I am at a store and feel strange, I test to see if I'm low. When my sugar is 130, I feel a bit disappointed, having no real reason to feel nervous (except the fact I have a hard time leaving the house).

My point.....side effects that are listed for anything are so generic. There are so many other symptoms that may occur (which is why I am terrified to start new meds). For example, today my stomach hurt really badly before I got low. This has happened several times before, but I never really put two and two together. I still felt like something major was wrong. The same thing when I get a panic attack: every time I panic, it feels like a new time and that something is severely wrong. Today, it was only after I tested my sugar, that I began to calm down, realizing I was low and that I wasn't dying. I had proof of my anxiety.

This sounds so strange, but every time I get blood work, I beg to have something wrong? - - no wait, before I jinx myself (OCD coming out), let me clarify that I don't want something to be wrong!, I just feel like if my thyroid is out of wack, that explains the racing heartbeat. Or if I'm having hot flashes, my hormones are screwed up. Or trembling and nervous because I have diabetes. There is a reason for my anxiety.

But I don't have a medical reason for my panic attacks. I don't know why I can be fine for years at a time and then relapse with full blown agoraphobia - trying to tell myself it's just anxiety. Just anxiety - easier said. I've gotten this to go away before, but I haven't been this bad since I was 16. I start work (outside of the home) tomorrow and I'm really scared I'm going to fuck it up and quit. I've had so many jobs I can't even remember.

Why can't I just tell myself it's just anxiety? I mean, if I can freak out and tell myself I'm dying every time I panic, why can't I switch my brain to say "Stop it, anxiety. You're fine...."?

I read one of those programs that cost a ridiculous amount of money (a friend let me borrow it), which says to meditate and tell yourself (and the anxiety) to "bring it on". The program says that when you welcome the anxiety and ask for it to appear, then your mind doesn't have anything to be afraid of and it passes. Don't waste your money. Us in the panic world can't afford to pay for bullshit.

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