9/01/2010

Seriously, Who Feels Like This?

First day of work went.... okay. I got there and felt fine. I took a quarter of 0.5mg Klonopin at 2:30pm. I had to be at work at 5pm. Usually, psychologically, it lasts me 6 hours (because that's what my doctor told me how long it stays in your system, give or take). Of course that low dose isn't much, but psychologically it usually works for me. Even a nibble at a department store or grocery store, for example, will help me calm down.

Orientation began tonight. There were about 40 employees (we're all new, starting a new store). I was fine until we all sat down. My mind raced. I thought about how I was going to have to sit there for the next three hours. I kicked my feet back and forth. I then got dizzy. I felt light headed and then my heart started racing. I couldn't concentrate. I was trapped! The owner's wife and family were sitting nearby, near the restrooms (I sat in the back near the door, in case I needed to plan my escape route).

As the owner talked, I heard muffled sounds. I couldn't concentrate. I continued to plan how I needed to get out of my chair, go to his wife and explain that I thought I was about to die. I was frozen. I didn't want to dig around in my purse and fish out some Klonopin. So I sat there expecting to pass out. I thought, "I need this job. So God help me, if I have to pass out, I will, in order to keep this job." And I don't know how, but I made myself calm down.

Of course, yay for me, but I then thought, "How the hell am I going to do this on a daily basis?" At the end of the night, I had another "episode". We were waiting in line to discuss availability and I got really dizzy. Luckily only two people were in front of me, so I was able to manage. I cried on the way home.

A week from tomorrow, our boss is taking the employees and spouse, significant other, etc. out to dinner 45 miles away, to show his appreciation, welcome us, etc. We are to ride together. I seriously don't know how I am going to do this. I don't want to say anything to him - I don't want to discourage him regarding my work abilities.

I honestly don't think I can handle this. If I have to quit one more job, I'm running away. I can not take any more disappointment with my family. I feel like if I run away and am alone, I will have no choice but to suck it up and stop being a fucking loser.

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