8/01/2010

There's Always Tomorrow, Hopefully

Tomorrow I'm going to "do this" or "start that". I went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago and haven't even started my Zoloft yet. Previously mentioned, I have a fear of taking medicine (allergic reactions, bad experiences, horrible side effects). So tomorrow is the day I prepare to take my medicine. By prepare, I mean give myself notice. Tomorrow I will plan on taking it Wednesday. Instead of feeling guilty about not taking the Zoloft, tomorrow I will begin my new work out plan.

I hate exercising with Panic. I used to run and often my heart would palpitate. I asked my FNP, Jenny Miller (who was a real bitch) and she would just say "Then don't run. I hate to run." Thanks God the other FNP came back from maternity leave; the one that actually liked her patients. She did an EKG and it was fine. Although I still think there is something wrong with my heart (which is why Jenny probably couldn't stand seeing me).

When my heart palpitates, I tend to lay down. Sometimes when I bend over, I can feel my heart skip. Writing about it makes my heart speed up a bit. This is why I want to start walking on my treadmill - to make my heart stronger. Either it will make it stronger or I will have a heart attack, right? :) Okay, joking aside - see, with my OCD, I want to erase that because I don't want to jinx myself. Eeeeeee, that makes me nervous. I may go back and edit that out later (not that anyone reads this blog).

Moving on..... oh yeah, my heart. Usually my resting heart rate when I go to the doctor is over 100. 116. 122. 142!! That's because I am in a panic. But at home, it's still in the 80's and 90's. It used to be in the 70's. So I read that by exercising, it could lower the resting heart rate where my heart won't race anymore. My husband runs and his heart rate is in the 50's or so. This constant racing heart can't be good. I know, I should have tried the Atenolol, which would regulate my heart, but I want to try the treadmill. Plus, the Atenolol was also for high blood pressure. I don't have a problem with that (unless I'm at the doctor and it spikes a little).

I'm 5'4" and 110 pounds. So I read that if you're smaller, you could also have a normal, faster heartbeat. I'm hardly close to the size of a bunny or an infant.

It feels like no one in the world could possibly understand all of this. I feel like my life is so out of the ordinary. Does anyone in the world feel the same way as I do? Ugh!

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