8/30/2010

Everybody Cares, Everybody Understands

Everybody cares, everybody understands
Yes everybody cares about you
Yeah, and whether or not you want them to
It's a chemical embrace that kicks you in the head
To a pure synthetic sympathy that infuriates you totally
And a quiet lie that makes you want to scream and shout

So here I lay dreaming, looking at the brilliant sun
Raining its guiding light upon everyone

For a moment's rest you can lean against the banister
After running upstairs again and again
From wherever they came to fix you in, but
Always fair city's finest follow right behind
You've got a pretty vision in your head
A pencil full of poison lead
And a sickened smile illegal in every town

So here I lay dreaming, looking at the brilliant sun
Raining its guiding light upon everyone
Here I lay dreaming, looking at the brilliant sun
Raining its guiding light upon everyone

You say you mean well, you don't know what you mean
Fucking oughta stay the hell away from things you know nothing about

8/24/2010

Slower

Slower, by Mineral

It's been so long since I've been by myself
And I need this more than you will ever know
People like you and me never felt the breeze
People like you and me will never know the easy way

I scream into the wind and laugh
As the words slap me in the face
I would gladly trade a lifetime of convenience
For and honest day or two

It's just not the same when you're staring
Into a perfect golden sunset
And thinking about how you sold your soul
To send the rain away

It's been so long since I've stood on my two feet
I'd really rather lay here and pretend
But people like you and me never get that peace
It comes from denying that everything is so screwed up
It's so screwed up

I stand on a building and throw up my arms to the sky
I swallow my pride and admit
That it's not always best to understand the reason why

It's just not the same when you wake up in the morning
With a smile on your face
When you know you lied yourself to sleep to make it better
To make it better

Clindamycin

I have a prescription for Clindamycin I carry in my purse, which was dispursed to me 4/19/2010 (when I got a wisdom tooth removed). I was given a couple of prescriptions. One prior to surgery and I had another for after, just in case. I didn't need to use it, but I still carry it. I'm really fearful of infection, so I can't throw it away. I feel like if I throw it away, or don't carry it with me in my purse, I'll get an infection.



Seriously. Who does this?

8/13/2010

I used to be such a burning example.....



This album sets itself apart from the rest of the albums made by Brand New. While I love all of their albums, I am not a fan of the newest one (this song is not on the newest album, but the one previous), but this song fits tonight.

"I used to be such a burning example
I used to be so original...

I used to pray that God was listening
I used to make my parents proud...

I used to know the name of every person I kissed
Now I made this bed and I can't fall asleep in it......"

8/05/2010

I Feel Weird



This has been a favorite band of mine since 2003. Singer Jack suffers (or maybe suffered) from anxiety. I loved them before I knew of the anxiety. I tried to find an article regarding the subect, but failed; I'll keep looking. However, back in 2007 or 8, I emailed Jack (back before they got too pretentious to accept emails) and we chatted a bit about our anxiety. I wish I still had the emails (see two posts prior regarding the fact I am delete-happy). I remember it was on myspace that we emailed, but I deleted my account because myspace sucks.

While this band has gotten a little too popular for my taste, I still love them (I am so in love with this band). Trampoline is an album about his anxiety, especially the song "I Feel Weird". It also deals with the death of Jack's sister and cousin, 9/11 and a break up; I believe Jack dated Scarlett Johannson. The album is deep. The new self titled album took me a bit to get into. It would probably mean more to me if I knew what it was written about. I tried to email regarding the s/t'ed album, but like I said - they are too good for emails now. Or maybe I'm just being a baby.

Lyrics: "I Feel Weird"

Delete, Backspace, Edit

I get in these moods where I want to delete my blogs, or edit my content. I feel so silly sometimes posting. But I really wish I could go back years and see what I was thinking. So, I'm happy I'm blabbing.

I have a 14 year old and while he won't be interested in going over scrapbooks I make or journal entries that I make about him, I am proud to say that he starts high school on Monday! We went to his high school tonight to meet teachers and check out the campus. I popped a Klonopin, so I was good to go. I actually didn't get nervous because I knew it wasn't a structured event. It was free roam, go as you please, walk the halls.... so I was comfortable. I was actually jealous! I'd totally go back and start over.

If I knew then what I know now.... damn, things would be different.

8/01/2010

There's Always Tomorrow, Hopefully

Tomorrow I'm going to "do this" or "start that". I went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago and haven't even started my Zoloft yet. Previously mentioned, I have a fear of taking medicine (allergic reactions, bad experiences, horrible side effects). So tomorrow is the day I prepare to take my medicine. By prepare, I mean give myself notice. Tomorrow I will plan on taking it Wednesday. Instead of feeling guilty about not taking the Zoloft, tomorrow I will begin my new work out plan.

I hate exercising with Panic. I used to run and often my heart would palpitate. I asked my FNP, Jenny Miller (who was a real bitch) and she would just say "Then don't run. I hate to run." Thanks God the other FNP came back from maternity leave; the one that actually liked her patients. She did an EKG and it was fine. Although I still think there is something wrong with my heart (which is why Jenny probably couldn't stand seeing me).

When my heart palpitates, I tend to lay down. Sometimes when I bend over, I can feel my heart skip. Writing about it makes my heart speed up a bit. This is why I want to start walking on my treadmill - to make my heart stronger. Either it will make it stronger or I will have a heart attack, right? :) Okay, joking aside - see, with my OCD, I want to erase that because I don't want to jinx myself. Eeeeeee, that makes me nervous. I may go back and edit that out later (not that anyone reads this blog).

Moving on..... oh yeah, my heart. Usually my resting heart rate when I go to the doctor is over 100. 116. 122. 142!! That's because I am in a panic. But at home, it's still in the 80's and 90's. It used to be in the 70's. So I read that by exercising, it could lower the resting heart rate where my heart won't race anymore. My husband runs and his heart rate is in the 50's or so. This constant racing heart can't be good. I know, I should have tried the Atenolol, which would regulate my heart, but I want to try the treadmill. Plus, the Atenolol was also for high blood pressure. I don't have a problem with that (unless I'm at the doctor and it spikes a little).

I'm 5'4" and 110 pounds. So I read that if you're smaller, you could also have a normal, faster heartbeat. I'm hardly close to the size of a bunny or an infant.

It feels like no one in the world could possibly understand all of this. I feel like my life is so out of the ordinary. Does anyone in the world feel the same way as I do? Ugh!