7/07/2010

The OCD Project

So I applied to be on "The OCD Project", on TV! My mom told me I should apply, since I need therapy with my panic attacks and OCD, and I don't have insurance or the means to help myself. The taping would be for October and Robert said he would go with me for support. I feel like 'what I have' is something I can only understand, even though millions of others deal with the same thing. Where are these people when I need you?

When I was 17 I was homebound for a year. My panic prevented me from leaving the house. That same panic is back for some reason. I feel the same as I did back then, that it's never going to go away. And it did, back in 1993/94. I still can't get it past my OCD brain, that I can live a normal life again.

The major problems I have are:

Leaving the house:
I take Klonopin for my anxiety. Since I'm afraid to take meds, I am prescribed the lowest dosage (0.5mg) and I take a quarter of a pill a day, on average. I try to take 1/4 every other day, so I am not dependent on it. Even when taking 1/4 of a pill, I panic for about 30-1 hour after I am out of the house. Once I calm down, I constantly worry about when I will get nervous again. Low blood sugar sparks my anxiety, so I make sure I carry food. Some days I fall into the 40's-60's, which spikes my anxiety 100%.

Contamination:
I have a phobia of chemicals, food contamination, getting bit by a scorpion/spider (even though I obsess about NOT killing bugs), expiration dates, medication interactions, breathing in harmful chemicals, dishes not being clean (especially new, just bought dishes), safety seals (I even wrote Walmart a letter about their safety seals), ventilation, ink getting on my skin, cat hair.... once I wouldn't eat my Stout Cupcakes I made, because the mix was made with 10 oz. of beer and I had taken 1/4 tab of klonopin prior. You get the point?

Grudges:
Some things I just can't get over. Like when my mother-in-law was a bitch at my wedding to my parents and me (and continues to be), my uncle Jim being a dickhead (long story), Gene Priest (no big deal, but a douche), my brother's ex girlfriend, Emily (keying his car, his iPod and iPhone, while being a BITCH to live with), Robert's ex-gf writing slutty emails a month after we were married (even though she's married with three kids), my maid-of-honor complaining the entire time she had to lift a fat, lazy finger at my bridal shower/wedding, the whole Old City Java fuckover..... I'm sure there's more. Forgive and forget? Nope.

I don't have a normal life right now. No one gets the panic. And I don't think anyone cares.

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