7/26/2010

New Job? So much Pressure.

So I freaked out at my new work-at-home job. When it was time to get on the phone, I had a panic attack. I froze. My heart started palpitating. I wanted to just go hide under the bed. I'm no shrink, but I guess I have a fear of messing up? All of these "What if this happens" questions ran through my brain when it was time to take some calls. I think I may have messed up my job there (and this is a good, reputable job that I got). I'm waiting for my manager to call me and she hasn't! So what do I do? I think the worst.

"They probably want me to quit."

"They think I suck."

"They don't know or care what panic attacks are."

And then of course I pretend to all of my friends and family that I'm doing really well! I can't even hold a job AT HOME!!! I'm 34 for God's sake!!!

Today my heart is really freaking out on me: palpitating, beating fast, fluttering. Last Monday when I went to the doctor my heart rate was 98. The nurse was like "WHOA!!" and I started crying. I seriously cried from check-in until I left and got in the truck. I can't help it! I get so overwhelmed and want to just cling myself to the doctor and yell "Please help me get better!", but he suggested another SSRI. Zoloft. First he suggested Buspar, but seeing that I had OCD and GAD and Panic Disorder (and probably a deep down depression), he wanted to try Zoloft first. This was my first appointment since I have moved from Tennessee. I really like him. He suggested that he doesn't think I will get better unless I take medicine. I told him I wanted to try a natural route, but he said he can't back up that plan, since vitamins aren't approved by the FDA.

I asked the nurse if she treats a lot of Panic patients and she said "Not as bad as you!". I cried - again.

On a random OCD note:

Yesterday I fixated on my left hand's fingernails. I swore they were blue. I couldn't stop looking at my nails.

And you know it's bad when your husband leaves the sealed lid to the creamer on the counter so I could tell it had been sealed. Can't remember if I blogged about going through the trash one day to look for the coffee creamer seal? Yes I did.

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