7/26/2010

New Job? So much Pressure.

So I freaked out at my new work-at-home job. When it was time to get on the phone, I had a panic attack. I froze. My heart started palpitating. I wanted to just go hide under the bed. I'm no shrink, but I guess I have a fear of messing up? All of these "What if this happens" questions ran through my brain when it was time to take some calls. I think I may have messed up my job there (and this is a good, reputable job that I got). I'm waiting for my manager to call me and she hasn't! So what do I do? I think the worst.

"They probably want me to quit."

"They think I suck."

"They don't know or care what panic attacks are."

And then of course I pretend to all of my friends and family that I'm doing really well! I can't even hold a job AT HOME!!! I'm 34 for God's sake!!!

Today my heart is really freaking out on me: palpitating, beating fast, fluttering. Last Monday when I went to the doctor my heart rate was 98. The nurse was like "WHOA!!" and I started crying. I seriously cried from check-in until I left and got in the truck. I can't help it! I get so overwhelmed and want to just cling myself to the doctor and yell "Please help me get better!", but he suggested another SSRI. Zoloft. First he suggested Buspar, but seeing that I had OCD and GAD and Panic Disorder (and probably a deep down depression), he wanted to try Zoloft first. This was my first appointment since I have moved from Tennessee. I really like him. He suggested that he doesn't think I will get better unless I take medicine. I told him I wanted to try a natural route, but he said he can't back up that plan, since vitamins aren't approved by the FDA.

I asked the nurse if she treats a lot of Panic patients and she said "Not as bad as you!". I cried - again.

On a random OCD note:

Yesterday I fixated on my left hand's fingernails. I swore they were blue. I couldn't stop looking at my nails.

And you know it's bad when your husband leaves the sealed lid to the creamer on the counter so I could tell it had been sealed. Can't remember if I blogged about going through the trash one day to look for the coffee creamer seal? Yes I did.

7/07/2010

Nesting

Getting out of bed in the morning helps prevent my panic attacks tremendously. I woke up this morning about 9am, took a shower and felt good enough to start cleaning the house. Once a month I think I get in that "nesting", cleaning mode. I'm trying to log it so I can look back and compare.

I had my 1/4 tablet of Klonopin about 10:30am. I had gotten out of the shower this morning and felt hot. My face felt like it was really red and I immediately thought "fever". I calmed down and cleaned the entire house while watching three hours of back to back Desperate Housewives. Can you believe I've never watched this show? Actually, I watched a couple of episodes when the show was in it's prime and I didn't like it. I generally don't like mainstream, over-hyped things - BUT I usually end up liking them later! Eeek, please God, don't let me like Lost later in life.

About 5pm I finally laid down on the bed and started watching TV, while checking email, work stuff, etc. My heart started racing and pounding. I wanted to take another Klonopin, but I didn't. I ate dinner and tried to calm myself without allowing myself to make it worse. Every time I panic I feel like "This is it. Something is really wrong this time." I felt like I was going to have a heart attack - again. I couldn't concentrate or think. Or get words out. I felt like my blood pressure was up, which was causing my heart to race. No matter how much I try to convince myself it's panic, I still feel like it isn't. And the worst part is, today was such a great day. I wasn't thinking about anxiety. I felt really good. And the panic comes on randomly, for no reason! Such a bitch!

And yes my Thyroid is fine. I have it checked every 6 months or so. And my sugar wasn't low. I was prescribed Atenolol, but am too scared to take it. Have you read the possible side effects?!!

The OCD Project

So I applied to be on "The OCD Project", on TV! My mom told me I should apply, since I need therapy with my panic attacks and OCD, and I don't have insurance or the means to help myself. The taping would be for October and Robert said he would go with me for support. I feel like 'what I have' is something I can only understand, even though millions of others deal with the same thing. Where are these people when I need you?

When I was 17 I was homebound for a year. My panic prevented me from leaving the house. That same panic is back for some reason. I feel the same as I did back then, that it's never going to go away. And it did, back in 1993/94. I still can't get it past my OCD brain, that I can live a normal life again.

The major problems I have are:

Leaving the house:
I take Klonopin for my anxiety. Since I'm afraid to take meds, I am prescribed the lowest dosage (0.5mg) and I take a quarter of a pill a day, on average. I try to take 1/4 every other day, so I am not dependent on it. Even when taking 1/4 of a pill, I panic for about 30-1 hour after I am out of the house. Once I calm down, I constantly worry about when I will get nervous again. Low blood sugar sparks my anxiety, so I make sure I carry food. Some days I fall into the 40's-60's, which spikes my anxiety 100%.

Contamination:
I have a phobia of chemicals, food contamination, getting bit by a scorpion/spider (even though I obsess about NOT killing bugs), expiration dates, medication interactions, breathing in harmful chemicals, dishes not being clean (especially new, just bought dishes), safety seals (I even wrote Walmart a letter about their safety seals), ventilation, ink getting on my skin, cat hair.... once I wouldn't eat my Stout Cupcakes I made, because the mix was made with 10 oz. of beer and I had taken 1/4 tab of klonopin prior. You get the point?

Grudges:
Some things I just can't get over. Like when my mother-in-law was a bitch at my wedding to my parents and me (and continues to be), my uncle Jim being a dickhead (long story), Gene Priest (no big deal, but a douche), my brother's ex girlfriend, Emily (keying his car, his iPod and iPhone, while being a BITCH to live with), Robert's ex-gf writing slutty emails a month after we were married (even though she's married with three kids), my maid-of-honor complaining the entire time she had to lift a fat, lazy finger at my bridal shower/wedding, the whole Old City Java fuckover..... I'm sure there's more. Forgive and forget? Nope.

I don't have a normal life right now. No one gets the panic. And I don't think anyone cares.

7/04/2010

A job? What is that?

I worry.... no, I - - wonder - - what it's going to be like Tuesday when I start my new job. My new job is a work at home position. I'm sure everyone in the world would be happy to work at home (and I am, don't get me wrong). It's a blessing in disguise, this job opportunity. I don't think I am capable of going out and working in the "real world"; my anxiety is too unexpected and too unpredictable.

This is a big change and isn't a cure, but it's a start and it will definitely help. High expectations follow. I have no excuses as to why I would quit my job (not that I'm going to). I'm working from home (I'm IN my safe zone, right?)! So yes..... I worry.

Music: Steel Train's "I Feel Weird"

Revise // Orientation was great and I'm super excited! This job is through a major company, it's stable with growth opportunity and I feel very positive about it!

OCD, ADD, GAD....

While busy trying to figure out everything I "have" wrong with me, I can't stop thinking about where I left the sour cream from Thursday night. All afternoon I have obsessed on where the sour cream went. It isn't in the fridge, no one else touched it and I don't remember throwing it away. Something is fishy. I'm tempted to look in the dumpster outside (and I probably will tomorrow), just so I know I'm not going crazy.

At least I'm thinking positively; the sour cream container was half full.