In tenth grade, after running away in 9th, I changed schools for a fresh start. This is where the panic attacks began on a regular basis. Sitting in class I felt my heart begin to race. I felt like I was being smothered; I couldn't breathe in class. I couldn't concentrate.
That year was crazy. The school was a joke. Gangs, jocks, goths, stoners, etc. The list goes on. I was, what South Park makes fun of, a goth. It just worked for me. I had a bad attitude and I didn't want to talk to anyone. I was miserable with my panic attacks. Who has panics attacks in 1992; a teen, no less?
My best friend was Michelle Ward. I had other friends for a short time: Meredith, Rikki, Brandi. The first two were bitches, of course. Michelle and Brandi were pretty cool. I didn't talk to them about my problem, though. I just went with the flow. Pretty much the crow around me dropped acid, smoked cigarettes, had sex and God knows what else. I had a boyfriend named Bill, who was a total loser. He broke up with me because I wouldn't have sex with him. No loss for me. Again, I was out of my league. This wasn't who I was. And I didn't settle for any less. I didn't have sex. I didn't want to do drugs (although I was laced AGAIN, but managed to not have such a bad time as the first). I smoked cigarettes here and there and I skipped school. I don't even know how I passed that grade, but I did.
I remember going to a teen goth club where I was laced with something that made me feel drunk. It was an underage place, so alcohol was not allowed. But I danced and danced that night (and I don't dance). Then I felt drunk and just - different. Someone told me that I was laced with something called a purple heart. After that, and until this day, I never leave my drink unattended. Than one night I had had it with everything and someone gave me something to take. Knowing I was terrified of drugs, I put it in my mouth and immediately became nervous. I went outside, spit it out and then called my mom to come and get me.
I had several panic attacks (and back then no one knew what was wrong with me), but managed to make it to the end of the year. My friendship fell through with Michelle, my best friend - I think because I didn't want to be a "goth" anymore, so I made up a reason to stop hanging out. She hung out with witches and I just didn't see myself going down that path.
Junior year, I was going back to Arcadia High School, the school I ran away from.
Sophomore year, with my best friend Jeremy (Jeremy and I were BFF's since I was 14, but he lived in Phoenix - I in Scottsdale)