My anxiety has been under control since the beginning of November - or maybe the end of October. When I thought I was pregnant, I stopped taking the Klonopin, which I've previously mentioned, was next to nothing. Regardless, I weaned myself off of it. As far as trying to get pregnant, if it happens, it happens. My husband and I have been trying since I was 33 and nothing has happened, except the one time that I know about, but it didn't take. In our defense, we hadn't really tried for about a year. If it's in the plan, it's in the plan.
Explaining why my panic attacks stopped - for those who are wondering and want the same thing to happen to them - is next to impossible. I have no idea. It's also impossible to live in such a frightful world for a year and a half and have NO ONE around you understand what you are going through. The lightheadedness, the dizziness, the rapid heart beat, the high blood pressure, heart palpitations, the past due bills, the constant state of fear, avoiding restaurants, never leaving the house, failed jobs, failed friendships. Crying, begging my husband to call 9-1-1 (and fraking out even more when he won't, or doesn't think he needs to). Complete and total fear. It makes me want to cry thinking back last year how I was. Paralyzed. Freaking out at work, crying in the stairwell. And then one day (or one week), it just stops.
I don't mean to give false hope and I also don't mean to scare anyone. I mean, if the anxiety can leave as fast as it had arrived, and vice versa - you're kind of looking at some hope. The great thing is, my anxiety might be back one day, but I'm not afraid. Well - I'm not lingering over it. I'm not "what-iffing". I think I'll be okay. And you will be, too.
And for the record, I didn't need any of that SSRI shit. I found a job that I love (that works for me), I'm semi-stress free and I have family that understands. Get rid of the stress.
For now, I'm kicking anxiety's ass.
This helped me change my way of thinking, which helped me, psychologically, not get nervous? I seemed to have developed a way of dealing with my anxiety in order to not take any medicine. I started a new job, retail, and was so proud that I didn't need to take my Klonopin in order to get through the day. I have NO idea why I "all of a sudden" didn't feel the need to take it. I had been doing so well a few weeks prior, trying to take it every few days, or as needed, that I just stopped thinking about taking it.
Everyone talks about the horrible withdrawal effects of discontinuing Klonopin, I thought I'd taper off with caution. Now, I was on such a low dose, I probably didn't even need to worry about it, but I played it safe just so I wouldn't have a reason to get nervous. I did fine! I stopped altogether. Between the middle and end of October, I think I took a quarter of a 0.25mg tablet once.
Since then, I haven't taken any! I had NO problems getting off of the med. I hope this gives anyone hope, regardless of what dosage I had taken. For about a month, I have not even taken anything.
My panic attacks left as soon as they had started. It's the strangest thing that I have no explanation for. Maybe getting out of the house helped. Confidence? I know it's tough getting out the house, being home bound for so long. I really just can't explain it. The only thing I am "nervous" about is, how fast it left, how fast it could come back. I'm not terribly worried, like I normally would be, mainly because I have confidence in how I react to my panic. Yay!
- Natural (Hair is regenerating)
- Pregnancy Failure
- Hair dye?
I started this post a couple of weeks ago (today is 11/20th), and my hair loss hasn't been as bad. Stress, a failed pregnancy, change in diet - who knows. My blood work came back fine and that's all I can be happy about.
*Sidenote: When telling my trainer about my "carsicknesses", he tells me it's "weird" and doesn't understand. I don't explain to my boss, trainer and fellow employees of my panic because they won't understand. No one ever understands. So this sets the tone for what was to come, definitely.
I was to be at work this morning at 4:45am, which I love (early mornings). I slept horribly, waking up with paplitations, insomnia and terror about driving to our store training. I did try to talk to my boss, telling him I got carsick and I needed to drive (and I have a two-seater truck) - so I thought that I would get out of carpooling and be able to drive alone. But they wanted to stick someone with me.
I can barely get out of the house, let alone carpool someone 45 minutes while dealing with my anxiety. Plus, I didn't want to be responsible for leaving training and abandoning some poor person because of my anxiety. I got up this morning, got ready and drove past work at 4:40am and kept on driving.
This is a known trait of mine. I have done this dozens of times. I couldn't go. I passed up a great 40 hour workweek in a small, shitty town - and blew it. Again.
I drove to a rest stop out of town and slept there for two hours so I wouldn't have to answer to my husband and family (in case they saw my truck at home). Who does this? I do!
I'm 34 years old and when I told my mom, she told me I was crippling everyone around me, including my husband. So now I'm mad at my mom. I seriously just want to run away - at 34 years of age. Reminds me of when I was 14.
The next two photos show my clumps of hair after I wash it in the shower! This isn't just every once in a while, it's every time. Proof something is wrong; even if it's just anxiety.
Just anxiety? Like I always say: "There's no such thing."
I looked up hair loss and found this:
Telogen effluvium: This type of temporary hair loss occurs suddenly, most often after a significant illness or major life stress. Handfuls of hair may come out when combing or washing your hair or may fall out after gentle tugging. This type of hair loss usually causes overall hair thinning and not bald patches.
I had a thyroid test done 6 months ago (it showed signs of abnormality in 2006), but this past test came back normal. I'm sure Thursday, at my next doctor appointment, I will be told it's stress. Why do I even bother?
- clammy skin
- palpitations, pounding or fast heart beat